My kids and I have been learning a lot about environmental concerns and taking baby steps to lessen our own impact on the planet ( reducing, reusing and recycling).

Sam is especially worried about the melting ice caps and how that affects the polar bears. He likes polar bears.

Claire drew fish food, because fish food is awesome. Fishies are awesome too.

My picture depicts a small part of what makes our planet beautiful to me…trees and flowers and birds…

As instructed, I called my doctor early Monday morning to discuss the results of the MRI I had done last week. She wasn’t available, so I dutifully left a message for her and waited for her to call back.

Hours passed and not a ring. I decided to go for a walk during lunch to get some fresh air. I should have eaten my lunch at my desk, since (naturally) she decided to call when I was out. I suppose she was unable to say much about the results due to privacy laws, nevertheless, her remark that there was “nothing alarming” about the MRI results wasn’t very informative.

I called again and a third time later that day.  The receptionist informed me that they had been passing on my messages to my doctor. Fine.

I refrained from running to the restroom for the last hour of work, since I didn’t want to miss her call. Nada. At five o’clock, I raced to the restroom.

When I came back, the light on my phone was blinking. The message was from the nurse who worked with my doctor. She said she could tell me a little bit about the test, but it was probably best that I make an appointment and speak with my doctor about this. Great. Another opportunity to miss work to hear about test results that show NOTHING.

I know my doctor is busy, but her failure to contact me yesterday really upset me. I’ve been battling this for two freakin’ years, with very little help from any medical personnel. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m desperate. I’m depressed and I want to be done with this NOW.

To make matters worse, when I expressed my frustration with the doctor and with my inability to do work comfortably and enjoy any of my old hobbies (knitting, cross-stitch, web design, etc.), he told me he was sick to death of hearing about my back and that I should just get over it. This is the same refrain my mother sang to me during the Christmas holidays.

I know no one enjoys hearing (or reading) someone talk over and over again about how they hurt and how frustrated they are. I don’t enjoy it myself. But what am I supposed to do? Pretend that everything is fine? Pretend that life is good; that I can enjoy things the way I once did? I guess I’m missing the heroic streak I’m supposed to have.

Sure, I’m relatively lucky…I have all my limbs; I’m not paralyzed or blind. But just because it could be worse doesn’t mean that I should totally discount my current suffering, does it? Or does it? The message that I’m getting from my closest friends and family members is that it does…that I should stop talking about this; stop feeling sorry for myself and move on.

What they’re discounting is that I have been trying as hard as I can. I’ve changed my habits (I excercise regularly and watch my posture). I’ve tried to find new activities and tried to focus on the good things in my life (my kids). But try as I might, I can’t help but resent these physical limitations and the lack of sympathy I’m experiencing. I feel really alone in this. 

P.S. I made an appointment to see my doctor on Thursday. I’m going to ask for some meds that actually help mask the pain and for more physical therapy. I’m also going to ask for a referral to a mental health counselor…perhaps there I’ll find the attentive listener I really need right now.