Here I am in my 15th week of pregnancy and I still haven?t taken a photo of my ever-expanding waistline. I?ll try to take one this weekend. It?s always too dark in the morning before I leave for work and too dark after I get home from work.

In some ways, this pregnancy seems like it will go on forever?that there will be no end to all this discomfort and nausea. In other ways, it?s speeding by faster than I can imagine. In a month and a half, I?ll have the major ultrasound where we?ll find out whether or not we?ll be having a girl or a boy. I?m looking forward to that, not only because I?d like to start thumbing through baby name books, but because I remember it as being one of the sweetest moments of my pregnancy with Sam.

I?ll go in for my next appointment tomorrow. I have a few things I?d really like to discuss with my doctor?such as my suspicion that I?m not getting enough calcium. I?m NOT a milk fan and ever since I got really sick on orange juice, I can?t even stand to smell it much less drink it. Last time, I took a couple of Tums every day, but I cannot do it this time. That chalky texture makes me want to gag. So, I?m hoping she?ll give me the go-ahead to take a calcium supplement.

I just finished reading ?I Don?t Know How She Does It? by Allison Pearson, which the Washington Post describes as “the definitive social comedy of working motherhood.” I have very mixed feelings about the book. Some passages really spoke to me and I wanted to grab the stranger sitting next to me on the bus and force them to read it, telling them, ?that?s me! That?s what my life is like!? I think working mothers are forced to grapple with irreconcilable ideas about women?s role in society: ideals of motherhood and ideals of the independent, smart & savvy woman who holds her own in a man?s world, i.e. the business world. The way the author captured the differing points of view of different generations was spot on, I think. Most people in my family still haven?t come around to understand that I?m NOT Mrs. Amy Nelson. We get a lot of mail for her, whoever she is. I sometimes wonder if Robert has been keeping a woman up in the attic or something Jokes aside, I kept my last name, not because I love my husband any less than I should and I went back to work after I had Sammy?also not because I love him any less than I should.

Like the main character, I have dreams of having the perfect home: everything clean and orderly, a refrigerator stocked with nutritious foods?but I?m certain visitors are always a little appalled at the mess and I know for a fact, my mother has been distressed by the lack of edible food in our kitchen. It upsets me when she comes to visit and instantly runs off to the grocery store or starts the vacuum cleaner. I know she doesn?t mean it this way, but I can?t help feeling as if that?s a commentary on my failure to be a good mother/housewife. I?ll also have a hard time forgetting some of the comments Robert?s co-workers have made to him over the years. They?ve remarked on his wrinkly clothes and wondered why I didn?t spend a little more time ironing. When he?s mentioned that he does the laundry, they?re even more shocked. On another occasion, Robert was helping himself to some snacks left out by some of his co-workers and one of them said, ?what? Your wife doesn?t feed you enough? Perhaps she ought to go back to wife school.? I?m not making this stuff up!

Also like the main character, I sometimes feel really jealous of Sammy?s daycare teacher. When I?m in a vulnerable frame of mind, it hurts me to see how much he likes her. Don?t you know all his love and affection should be for me? When I?m in a more rational frame of mind, it?s a great relief to know he likes her that much. Wouldn?t it be awful if he hated/feared her? It is difficult to reconcile the fact that some other woman spends more time per week with your child than you do. It?s also difficult to accept the fact that she may know more about some facets of your child than you do.

I could go on and on about the difficulties of being a working mother?

The main thing about the book that bothered me was the main character provided such an extreme example of what a working mother?s life could be like. She left early in the morning and worked until after her children?s bedtimes. She traveled abroad for work, sometimes more than once a week. She obviously earned a hefty salary. She had a nanny and a housekeeper. In the end, she quits her job to spend more time with her family (yeah, yeah, there?s a hint that she starts working again, but it?s a really weak element in the plot?).

If this book had come out when I was pregnant with Sammy, I would have been scared out of my mind about going back to work. I don?t think that?s helpful at all. I also don?t think it?s going to do one whit to help correct the already over prevalent belief that working mothers care more about themselves and earning lots of money to buy luxury items. Everyone is a bit selfish, whether you work or not. You can?t help it. It is part of being human. We can give and give and give, but there?s still part of us that will think of ourselves and our own welfare. It?s a survival instinct. Wanting to keep your mind sharp by doing something challenging outside the home is no more selfish than staying home to spend lots of time with your darling children. Wanting to contribute to the family?s welfare by working and bringing home a paycheck that helps keep a roof over their head and clothes on their bodies isn?t a bad thing either.

From my point of view, the hardest thing about being a working parent is the limited amount of time you get to spend with your family. There?s never enough of it.

I’ve been in a creative mood lately and created this new linkware set:

Autumn Dreams

I’ve also finished up a silly little illustration I started awhile ago. Sam really likes it

Nutty the Squirrel

It?s easy to write about all the dramatic bad things that occur in your life, since your audience is likely to feel sympathetic towards your plight by a simple recounting of the facts. What makes people happy varies greatly from person to person, so a simple statement that something happened isn?t as likely to engage readers? emotions. For example:

a) I threw up in a public place.
b) My son said ?bye bye? to his blanket before we left home this morning.

Who?s going to argue that the first thing isn?t something bad? Most people, with a touch of compassion in their hearts will feel sorry for whomever that happened to. On the other hand, most people won?t know what to make of the second thing. It?s a somewhat funny thing for a little person to do, I suppose, but why should anyone care about it?

I cannot possibly describe the feelings of pride, tenderness, awe and joy that well up in me whenever I witness Sam doing something new. So, in the morning, just before we leave home, Sam says ?bye bye Blankie, bye bye kitty?? and I am overcome with happiness. Sam gives me a genuine hug and pats me on the back when I pick him up from daycare. Sam loves reading Eric Carle books and says ?look? each time he turns the page, because he wants me to see the animals pictured there. Sam says ?uh-oh? whenever he reads his Clifford the Big Dog book because Clifford has a mischievous grin on his face. Sam helps me put my shoes on. Sam climbs into his own bed without any coercion and sleeps there most of the night. Sam decides I must be feeling sad and brings me a binky. Sam likes carrying dirty dishes back into the kitchen. Sam announces when there?s a mess and when he needs to wash. Sam still has smooth and chubby baby cheeks and sparkling blue eyes. Sam giggles. Sam is Sam.