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Thanks to all of you who reassured me that Sammy is going through a perfectly normal stage and that everything is going to be OK. I was suffering from mental and physical exhaustion yesterday, which made everything seem so much worse. I feel much, much better today. Sam woke up with a smile on his face, so this morning went perfectly smoothly.

In other news…

I posted several things over at the Joy Book Club. I’ve read about half of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and feel as if I’m noticing so much more about the novel this time around. Perhaps it’s because I’m reading it with the intriguiging questions posed by the book club in mind.

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but because I’ve heard mixed reviews about it, I’m not sure I want to go to the trouble of finding a babysitter for Sam and then forking over the outrageous price of a movie ticket. I think I’ll wait for it to come out on DVD.

I was none too pleased with myself this morning. Sam has been excessively clingy lately. I put him down for a minute and he cries. I take two steps away from him or turn my back to him and he cries. I blink. He cries. Argh! As much as I love him and would like to carry him close to me all the time, it’s plainly impossible. But hearing him cry so much and not being able to do much to make him happy is really wearying.

This morning, things started going wrong when I attempted to change his diaper and dress him. He would not lay still no matter what I did. I tried to distract him by giving him different things to play with, but he just threw them on the floor and struggled to roll over on the changing table. He’s very strong, so depsite my attempt to restrain him, he nearly went flying off onto the floor. I freaked out, of course. So, I picked him up, bare butt and all, and placed him on the floor where I hoped to finish dressing him. In the process, I got diaper cream all over my good pair of pants! That was almost the last straw, but I clenched my jaw, determined to keep my cool. Sam kept writhing and SCREAMING on the floor as I struggled to get him in his diaper. Unable to bear it any longer, I sharply told him to stop it, which I regretted the instant the words left my mouth, but who can turn back time? He started crying even harder. I started crying, which upset him even more. And on and on and on.

It was a horrible start to the morning. I was convinced I was the worst mother in history. I asked the ladies at daycare if he was as whiny with them as he was with me, and they said, no, he cries a little bit when he’s tired and needs a nap, but other than that, he’s a good boy. What am I doing wrong??? If I don’t set him down once in awhile, no one in this house would eat. There would be mold growing on the dirty dishes which would be piled sky high in the kitchen. I’ve got to have a little bit of time with my hands free.

I called my husband as soon as I got to work, hoping that he would be able to reassure me that things would be ok, and that I didn’t wound Sammy emotionally for the rest of his life by snapping at him like I did. He told me that things would be fine. I kept crying. He told me Sammy would have to learn some limits. I COULDN’T stop crying. He then said, “you wanted to have kids and you want to do this all over again.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Wounded to the very core of my being. I hung up and tried to do my job. It was hard though, because I was still very upset.

Eventually, I went to retrieve a file from one of the secretary’s desks and she asked me how I was doing. Being the way I am, I didn’t evade the question with an “I’m fine.” I told her what was on my mind. She exclaimed, “that’s the kind of night I had with Felicia!” (her daughter). She proceeded to tell me all about the struggles she’s had getting her little girl to go to bed. She also shared with me how difficult the relationship with her husband can grow when both are feeling stressed out and tired from dealing with the kids and work, etc. She reminded me that there will be ups and downs and that one breakdown doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.

Thank goodness for friends.